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9.06.2011

Fail

I know that sounds cliche, but that's how I feel right now.  Even I know that I am being unduly hard on myself, but today I feel like I'm in one of those dreams- the one where, for example, the school bus shows up to pick you up for the first day of school, but you had no idea it was today so you're not ready, then you get to school and you're still in your pajamas and have nothing you need.  Or where you get a new job but don't remember when to show up or what to do.  I have that kind of dream all the time.  Only today I'm not dreaming.

I feel like life is barreling ahead at breakneck pace right now and there is nothing I can do to slow it down or keep up.  Izzy's starts kindergarten tomorrow and I'm not ready.  I don't mean "ah, I'm not ready for my baby to grow up" not ready (puke!).  I mean I'm not ready.  I want a do-over.  My house is not clean.  I have three baskets of overflowing laundry that is just folded (thanks hubby!) and needs to be put away.  I didn't have anything special for her to take for lunch or eat for breakfast- just our normal fare (and I think I'll be thankful for that later- I won't have to live up to high expectations).  Izzy doesn't have gym shoes (I could have swore I bought her tennis shoes in the spring that she never wore, but of course now I can't find them... and just now it occurs to me that they're probably at Grandma's house...).  And my broiler chicks are growing faster than I can keep up with.  Over the weekend/today I built the new bigger tractor, moved the older batch into it, and built them a new bigger feeder.  I also bought one big gravity feeder.  And those two feeders aren't quite big enough.  So I need to build another one, plus 2 or 3 more for the next batch.  Before I know it the younger batch is going to be too big for the broody tractor (which they got moved into today) and I'm going to need to build ANOTHER tractor.  I need to add onto the permanent coop before snow flies (which is looming over my head).  I still need to dig the rest of the potatoes.  I need to thin the fall crops in the garden, and clean up the summer crops, and plant the fall/winter cover crops.  And, of course, in order to do that properly I have to plan what I'm going to plant where NEXT spring.

Today was supposed to be Izzy's kindergarten orientation, but it's no wonder that with all that banging around in my head I wrote the wrong time down on the calendar, so we missed it.  And it is KILLING me.  I was excited about orientation.  I like to be oriented.  We wanted a chance to meet the teacher and see the classroom and get a feel for the other kids and parents.  And we missed it.  And we were actually in town, just getting ready to come home for nap, when it happened without us.  So now I have to try to insert myself into the teacher's already full first day tomorrow and let her know that I am NOT a deadbeat parent, just a scatterbrain with dyscalculia.

So while I have no breaking heart about tomorrow, I am longing a little right now for my tiny baby.  Things were so much easier back then.  Except that right now I am reminded of waking up nights, cribs, diapers, screaming every day from 4p- 6p, having to hold someone every waking moment... maybe it wasn't so easy.  I guess this is just a different kind of hard.

3 comments:

Sarah said...

Hang in there! I brought a new born home two weeks ago, didn't plan a special outfit for my kids that worked for 90's outside. We haven't had that much heat all sumner!! So they wore an outfit that was only semi new. I forgot to charge the batteries on my camera so we got one photo and the rest on my phone. I didn't plan a special lunch (wanted to). I wrecked my car last week so I'm scrambling to get them to school this week. The list goes on. But you know what? I feel like a failure...my first and second grader still seem to look at me with awe! Their first day was perfect, they didn't notice any of the things I worried about. They went to school with huge smiles on their faces and came home with even bigger ones!! I'm still their hero even when I feel like a failure.

Ps. My heart sank a little when I saw the cute little outfits and perfect hair on the kids yesterday too. But my kids could care less. It was their first day and it was perfect in their own way.

Don't beat your self up...

Brandislee said...

You're so right... Izzy had a perfect first day of school, even though I was right in the center of a nightmare. I still feel like I'm buried in mud and can't dig my way out, but I'll live and things will be fine. I just like to complain sometimes:)

The Manlupig Family said...

I do love to complain.. :) don't get me wrong. Just ask my husband! LOL

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